the new yorker
Your Personality, As Explained On Twitter By One Extremely Specific Aspect Of Your Childhood (with Lillian Stone)
Mcsweeney’s
We Are Mark Wahlberg’s Personal Trainers, And We’re Pretty Much Just Messing With Him At This Point
An Oral History of the Kidz Bop Cover of John Cage’s 4’33”
Introducing Georg Property, the Long-Lost Third Property Brother
Modern-Day Passover Plagues (with Molly Kessler)
If Trans Kids Are Able To Transition…
My Real Life As A Writer Vs. The Award-Winning Biopic About My Life As A Writer
Excerpts From The House of Girth, Edith Wharton’s 1905 Novel About Powerlifting
Nine Scenes From The Recently Discovered Cut Of Flubber Where Flubber Has Bones
Reductress
Some favorites (headlines + articles):
Wow! This Woman Got So High the Movie Theater Felt Like the Airport
Basketball Wife? This Woman Is Married to a Basketball
Is This Feminist? 5 Pics of Marie Curie Where She Might Be Doing Kegels
If Cancel Culture Isn’t Real, Then Why Did I Just Shatter My Hymen Trying to Land a Kickflip?
The Next Stimulus is Just a Six-Pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a Gun With a Single Bullet in It
Same, Girl! This Ham is Spiraling
Wow! When This Woman Couldn’t Afford Her Insulin, Her Whole Town Chipped in for Her Funeral
It Takes a Village to Eat My Ass
I also have two essays in the Reductress book How to Stay Productive When the World Is Ending.
The onion
Some favorites (headlines only):
Ugh, Circumcision The Religious Kind
Scallops And Tractors: Together At Last!
Drunkenly Wearing Lampshade On Head Less Fun When Alone
Executive On Deathbed Requests Obituary Be Optimized For SEO
Nation’s Older Cousins Announce Plans To Whip Butterfly Knives Around In The Woods
Sibling Group Chat Used Solely For Expressing Concern About Mom
Guy In Line For Porta-Potty Won’t Stop Assuring Everyone He Pisses Quick
Frequently Asked Questions About 4% Jazz, The World’s Only Radio Station That Plays 4% Jazz (second place, Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge 2021)
Seth Rubin 